A Not-In-Love Story

esquire motel[1]Television cables sizzled with the salacious gossip: “Barry doesn’t love his mistress,” speculated relationship counselor Rudy Giuliani.  “All the signs are there.”

Barry’s mistress bolted up in bed.  “You do love me, don’t you hun?”

Head propped against a skewed and sweat-stained pillow, Barry lighted twin cigarettes and placed one to her lips.  “Sure, baby,” he said, “there’s love …”

Uneasy silence fell across the bed before the mistress wanted to know: “There’s love, hun?  That’s all you can say?”

Barry sent nonchalant smoke rings toward the seedy motel’s ceiling.  “It’s just there’d be deeper love if you underwent fundamental change, baby.”

Fundamental change?” screamed the mistress.  “What the hell is that?”

Barry waved the back of his hand toward her hair.  “Your do, for instance; try a different cut, maybe some dye.  And what about that nose, baby?  It could stand some surgery, your lips, too, and why not try Botox?  While the doc’s at it, he could give these tits some life and tend to that flabby ass, and why not shed a few pounds and slim your thighs?”

The trembling mistress had scrambled bedside and was drawing a robe around her inadequate body.  “Nothing else?” she chided, “That’s all the fundamental change I need?”

“Well, you speak too freely and I detest how you own a gun and cling to your church.  But, really, that’s it except you’re not wise with your money–I’d spend it much better.”

The mistress accused recumbent, smoking Barry with a pointed forefinger.  “Well, hardly more than half of me has ever loved you,” she informed the aloof man.  “I’ve got a young, naïve streak that you infatuate, but my wiser side cringes whenever you phone.  And frankly, the past couple years your lame performance in the sack is turning off my younger side, too.  So it’s over, got it?”

Barry shrugged his gangly shoulders.  “Sure, baby, it’s over.  But you should know I’ve got a Persian babe to fall back on.”

“I bet you do!  A whole Muslim harem is more your style.”

“Really, baby, don’t call them Muslim.  It’s insensitive.”



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