School Daze

DunceThe shrinking pool of twenty-first century dupes is giving Barack Obama headaches.  Fondly, he reminisces on halcyon years when all the world’s disaffected and naïve were beating their ways to his presence, but nowadays he’s forced to actually seek out people who will refrain from smirking while attending his lectures.  Outreach to youth is the quaint euphemism White House apparatchiks use to excuse Obama’s obsession with his selfie stick and that he grants interviews to only fourth and fifth-rate media outlets.  So desperate is the presidential quest for relevance that he recently resorted to stopping by Mrs. Lafferty’s third grade classroom:

“Children,” he told the eager faces.  “I’m excited and honored you’ve invited me to come answer questions about being president.”

“I have one,” announced a freckled girl.  “Is it true Muslim terrorists will turn friendly if they get jobs?”

“In America,” lectured Obama, “we have a long tradition of not using ugly terms like that.  And yes, employment gives people a sense of belonging and hope.”

A frail, bright-eyed girl raised her hand and speculated: “Well, since we’re the engine driving global markets, isn’t our stalled economy hampering job growth in Muslim countries?”

“Let me be clear: our economy is fine.  We’ve had a stimulus and Joe Biden oversaw the summer of recovery.  Unemployment is dropping steadily.”

A pensive boy in the front row wondered, “But isn’t true unemployment rising because people quit looking for jobs?”

Obama grew terse: “I inherited the worst economic situation in the history of the universe.”

A boy behind horn-rimmed glasses got the president’s attention.  “Um, I think what they mean is if you believe jobs will curb Muslim terrorism, wouldn’t it make sense to unburden our own economy by slashing taxes and axing regulations?  If we let businesses here thrive, wouldn’t that be like a tsunami lifting global, hence Muslim, economies?”

“Yes, a tsunami,” uttered flabbergasted Obama.  “Speaking of which, children, there’s probably some sort of natural disaster requiring my attention … Good-bye.”

Once sequestered behind his limousine’s tinted windows, incensed Obama lit a cigarette and tapped out an urgent text message to the White House staff: “Going 4ward target audience 2 B grade 2 and belo.  Thx”


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